Survival Mode

For those of who are reading this and don't know me, my husband of 34 years died in June.  We had lived separately for more than a few years but were still married.  I moved home 3 years ago to help take care of him as his health was failing and, to quote a friend of ours who called me 3 years ago, "whoever that person is who is supposed to be taking care of him, she's not, so get your ass home."  I did.

By the time Shorty died, he was suffering from end stage renal failure, congestive heart failure, COPD, an enlarged prostate, hemocratic anemia, orthostatic hypostension, diabetes, and cancer.  He was also hard of hearing and had at least 3 eye surgeries.  I am not looking for sympathy or nominating myself for martyrdom.  I am just stating facts.

For the years that I helped take care of Shorty, I was the young, healthy one.  I am overweight but I am/was healthy and never needed any medical attention other than the normal seasonal stuff.

Today, I am at work, but I am going to the doctor when I get off work.  I am pretty sure that I have shingles, which, by the way, hurt like a bugger and itch and sting and are fiery little points of hell.  My ulcer, newly diagnosed, may be bleeding or at least leaking a little.

I have been in pain since Thursday night but had no other symptoms, like the rash, until this morning.

I cannot decide if this is a case of nurture (God) or nature(my own body.)

I am grateful that I was strong for as long I needed to be.  I am not grateful that it did not last forever.

Amazing what a little mind over matter will do for you.  Maybe I need to find another dying person to take care of...and yes, that WAS sarcasm.