How now?

I am not sure if I just used to have more to say or if I just got out of the habit of blurting every thought that crosses my mind. 

I was getting my oil changed the other day and attending to a myriad of "it'll wait till my days off" errands when it occurred to me how much my life had changed.

When I first got married the final time, my fingernails were so long that not only could I not button my own buttons, I typed one row down on the electric typewriter at work.  It was actually in my wedding vows that I did not have to do anything that would cause me to break a fingernail.

When my husband left on a trip, he filled both vehicles that he was leaving at home and, when their gas tanks were empty, he came home (from New Mexico to Nevada) to fill them up because "I didn't pump gas."

When he went back to New Mexico, he told me that I could quit my job when it quit being fun.  They promoted me at work to a position that I had not applied for and did not want.  He called me that night and I told him that it had quit being fun.  He came and got me.

I look back at those days now and wonder what the heck I was doing.  If you wonder where my kids are in this story, one was taken from me by her paternal grandparents and the other was in a residential school for children with emotional problems. 

I wonder now that I thought so little of my kids, and so little of myself, that I could be had for an unblemished manicure and a life of being "taken care of."

That life ended a long time ago but the marriage ended when death us did part.  It is time now to figure out who I want to be, how to get there, and how to let go.