Saturday, September 15, 2012

and the embers are still glowing

I have been widowed and I have been divorced.  I always said that being a widow was easier because, as hard as it is, it just is.  A dead husband stays dead.  A husband from whom you are divorced has the nasty habit of breathing on a regular basis.  They stay in your life, however peripherally, until you die.  This is especially true if you share children.

I have been divorced and am now separated.  I can now say that being divorced is easier.  I have always been, and still am, very good at ignoring those things which annoy me.  Ex-husbands fall into this category.  I have two ex-husbands and have not seen either one in decades.  I'm sure this is a mutual choice.

Being separated is harder.  Our finances are still entwined.  Our animals still belong to both of us.  We still share a post office box.  We did attend social events together until he joined his outlaw motorcycle club.  It is just hard.  We have been part of each others' lives for over 25 years.  It is 2nd nature for me to call him - with news, with requests, for help, just to chat - and now I don't.  I found out that he is having a medical procedure and someone else is taking him.  Such a stupid thing to be upset about but I am.  I am the one who moved out originally and I am the one who severed all contact when he decided to be "one of them".

There is a finality to death.

This just keeps getting harder.

I am tired and I think that's part of the problem.  I can no longer differentiate between physical, emotional, and spiritual fatigue.  But I am tired.  I am mostly tired of being a whiny, depressed, full-of-myself complainer.  Hopefully, my next post will be more me.


Sayre said...

It's so hard to know how to feel at times like this. Especially when you've got so much past together. That's just the kind of thing you would be there for - if it weren't for separation. Perhaps it is almost time to move forward to divorce. Go ahead and separate those things that hold you together still. It's not easy but you can't really move forward while hanging onto the past.

Hugs for you. Prayers for him - it seems like he's foundering a bit without you but he's making his own choices now.

~KaThY~in~CoLoRaDo~ said...

Amazing ! I just had this conversation with a friend today. Losing my parents was devastating, but the divorce was harder to deal with.
I haven't been blog hopping lately, but wanted to visit my old haunts tonight.

Pamela said...

Sorry I haven't been reading blogs much in the past 3 months.

This sort of makes things clearer in my mind about what is going on.

I'm tired of being a whiny, depressed, full of myself complainer, too.

We need to get together.

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